Validation.
I had sex with a man for the first time when I was 14 years old.
I was never one of those girls who had envisioned herself on her wedding night with the man of her dreams. I never saw myself with prince charming. That fairy tale ending bull shit never tickled me the way it did for other people. To each their own though.
Anyways, the whole experience for me was awkward. Which I can assume it was for most, if not all, people. It was super quick. I did absolutely, without a doubt not have an orgasm. I can’t even say it felt the slightest bit enjoyable.
I sort of wish I would have waited. I was not in love, by any means, but I chose to have sex with him anyways. Looking back, I now understand I was just trying to feel something. I was trying to feel okay. I was trying to be accepted. I needed to feel a sense of, V A L I D A T I O N.
I was on a mission to basically bring myself into existence, in a sense because without that validation, I felt like I didn’t matter.
And from there my “mission” started out slow. Started being the key word.
This is a blog so I will let you in on what is going on behind the scenes, I am currently laughing a bit because those the last two sentences before this current paragraph crack me the fuck up. “started out slow”. Yes, it started out slow.
I am incapable of doing anything half ass. Which is one of my many exceptional qualities, however, it can also be a downfall for me. After I hit about, oh, 7 dudes, it just kind of got out of control.
Here is where I bring up how I had a list. Yeah. I had a list. Go ahead. It is as slutty as it sounds. It’s absolutely fucking awful. I had a list of all the guys I had slept with and then all the ones I wanted to sleep with. I made it into a game. That’s how starved I was for, here is that word again, validation.
I said this was going to be raw and transparent. To the best of my abilities it will be. However, I can’t truthfully tell you how many people I have slept with. Roughly 70% of those encounters happened when I was too intoxicated, or high, to even know who I was with.
Well, Like I mentioned about. I ended up getting super out of control. Drank and did a shit tone of drugs. I think, don’t quote me on this, the list stopped somewhere around like 15 or so guys. Might have been a little more. After that, I can’t even tell you.
There was this one time though I thought I needed to prove myself to the guys I was drinking with so I drank as much as they were telling me to. Well, I remember drinking beer out of cans. Then nothing. At some point I was in a car with four guys. I had this idea in my head that after that night (not anticipating the orgy-ish experience) that I would be more accepted.
Forward a few years, I took a break from all of the ‘slut life’. Had a family. Settled down. And if you know anything about me as a person, you had probably predicted that my attempt at the suburban lifestyle was going to fail. I am here to tell you that you were in fact correct. High five to you.
And that brings us to Snap Chat. I spent the majority of 2018 on that particular social media platform attempting to gain acceptance from my peers.
With the technological advancements over the last decade or so, you no longer have to establish a connection in person anymore. From that, you can obviously conclude that I rarely, if ever, met with any of the individuals I snapped with. Which was nice because I avoided the infamous walk of shame.
You can deduce from the information that has been provided up to this point what was going on in my snap inbox. I will however say that I obliged to every request. Every. Single. One.
Even in my mid to late 20’s I was still on a journey for validation. That is until recently.
I had a deep realization about the decisions I had made my whole life; I had an epiphany about my life choices. I came to the conclusion that no matter how much dick I got, I was never going to feel complete. Corny as fuck, I know, but true.
My new quest has been instead to seek validation from myself instead of from others.
While I may have some other internal struggles, not allowing others to define my self worth has empowered me in ways I did not think were possible. I have grown more in the last six months than most of my life.
It has taken me a while to understand my actions. I thought I was having fun, truly. I like dancing; I like having a good time. And who doesn’t enjoy sex? The reasons behind my sexual experiences though were destructive to my mental state. I was not building my confidence. I was tearing it down more so than I was aware of.
Now I am working every day to build it back up. I am stitching up every fucking cut I made. Repair work takes time, man. And I’m willing to put in the work.
If you follow me on my Instagram page, you will see I preach a lot about self love.
It is so important to learn to love yourself. For a multitude of reasons. As I said, I may not have wanted a story tale ending, but that’s the goal for most, right? And how can you love someone else if you don’t truly love yourself?
Blog. 